Bittersweet Birthday

I expected to have a lot of emotion today. Really the day is going by as quickly and crazily as any other day. Not a lot of time to think, let alone feel.

But when I do reflect I'm sad. This day seems to signify the end of babyhood forever. I do believe babies might be my favorite stage of child-raising, and I won't have that again.

To celebrate this anniversary Ben and I watched the birth last night on our computer. He has been taking on the high-tech project of putting all our videos on DVD. It was my first time seeing it. I was told not to watch it right awa; that it would alter my memories of what happened and change my perspective. Even a year later I was nervous. What I remember was the most amazing day of my life. Feeling a part of a miracle in a bigger way than ever before.

Watching the video did not disappoint. I didn't mind hearing the moans - it was actually less than I thought. The birth happened so quickly once I was in the water. I remember welcoming the pain, knowing I had chosen this. I remember that there is nothing I felt that I didn't want to be feeling, and although I thought it was probably good I'd saved my natural childbirth for last, immediately afterwards I knew I'd want to do it over again in a heartbeat. I'm still sad I won't get to go through that again, but life has it's seasons I guess.

I also feel a sense of relief today. Kai has now slept through the night twice in a row, and there certainly are things about the baby stage that will be nice to be done with! He doesn't nap in the middle of the morning any more. He takes a nice early nap before I have to go anywhere, and I'll be fine when he's all done with that. He feeds himself more and more with finger food. He gets around enough to entertain himself for small amounts of time. He occasionally will drink his milk cold.

There is also the happiness that Kai is really still a baby! He is still so cuddly and still nursing like a pro. He doesn't seem the least bit like a toddler yet and is nowhere near walking. But with every joy there is concerns... I'll look forward to asking his Dr some questions at his well-check next week!

So for everything that makes me happy on this day there is just as much making me sad. Tomorrow is a new day. Now if I can just get Kaylin and Kav (and myself and Ben!) to stop saying "baby Kai"... Yes, even "Happy Birthday" was sung to "baby Kai." He LOVED hearing all us sing to him.

Good night birthday boy, I love you!