Quiet. Thankful.

I just stood outside in minus 7 degree weather unloading a semi trailer parked on a narrow back road in Hugo with flashlights. The misery didn't set in until I was back in the truck driving home and I realized how much pain my toes were in.

Really it was a good night. It was quiet. Quiet is so rare for me. Every minute of every day is incredibly loud at my house. It's a great relief when the kids are napping but even then the sound of the washer and dryer remains. Tonight I hired a sitter and went to the library to catch up on email. Quiet. I drove to the delivery pickup for my monthly bulk grocery order. Quiet. I waited for the truck to arrive and stayed in my truck with the heat blasting onto my hands. Pretty quiet.

Quiet provides much needed time to think. My mind gets so behind and it is in these catch-up opportunities that I finally have time to process everything. Tonight my thoughts focused on gratefulness. I tend to be a complainer and so many times I focus on the same few things that cause me to be often upset . Tonight I felt satisfied, thankful for all the positives in my life right now.

I was thankful for my grocery delivery. I was happy to see a woman there who is in my other buying club as well. It's a small world, us metro natural foodies. Wholesale buying clubs have to be one of the best kept secrets in the country, and I'm thankful for the opportunity given us to eat real food at affordable prices. Even if I have to stand outside a few minutes and freeze off my toes.

Bittersweet Birthday

I expected to have a lot of emotion today. Really the day is going by as quickly and crazily as any other day. Not a lot of time to think, let alone feel.

But when I do reflect I'm sad. This day seems to signify the end of babyhood forever. I do believe babies might be my favorite stage of child-raising, and I won't have that again.

To celebrate this anniversary Ben and I watched the birth last night on our computer. He has been taking on the high-tech project of putting all our videos on DVD. It was my first time seeing it. I was told not to watch it right awa; that it would alter my memories of what happened and change my perspective. Even a year later I was nervous. What I remember was the most amazing day of my life. Feeling a part of a miracle in a bigger way than ever before.

Watching the video did not disappoint. I didn't mind hearing the moans - it was actually less than I thought. The birth happened so quickly once I was in the water. I remember welcoming the pain, knowing I had chosen this. I remember that there is nothing I felt that I didn't want to be feeling, and although I thought it was probably good I'd saved my natural childbirth for last, immediately afterwards I knew I'd want to do it over again in a heartbeat. I'm still sad I won't get to go through that again, but life has it's seasons I guess.

I also feel a sense of relief today. Kai has now slept through the night twice in a row, and there certainly are things about the baby stage that will be nice to be done with! He doesn't nap in the middle of the morning any more. He takes a nice early nap before I have to go anywhere, and I'll be fine when he's all done with that. He feeds himself more and more with finger food. He gets around enough to entertain himself for small amounts of time. He occasionally will drink his milk cold.

There is also the happiness that Kai is really still a baby! He is still so cuddly and still nursing like a pro. He doesn't seem the least bit like a toddler yet and is nowhere near walking. But with every joy there is concerns... I'll look forward to asking his Dr some questions at his well-check next week!

So for everything that makes me happy on this day there is just as much making me sad. Tomorrow is a new day. Now if I can just get Kaylin and Kav (and myself and Ben!) to stop saying "baby Kai"... Yes, even "Happy Birthday" was sung to "baby Kai." He LOVED hearing all us sing to him.

Good night birthday boy, I love you!

Not the Greatest Shopper

I have to laugh at how unsuccessful most of my shopping trips are when I actually do go to the store. Ever since buying groceries in bulk at a pickup location once a month, buying all my household items through Melaleuca and now using cloth diapers, I cannot believe how rarely I need to go shopping. Usually it's getting a gift for someone that finally gets me out. I'm very thankful for this since when I do go to the store, I go in with a list of 3 things and come out with 10 things. So my "home shopping" has been great for our budget!

But this weekend Kaylin needed shoes desperately and I didn't plan ahead enough to buy them on ebay. Feeling sorry for her feet, I took Kai to Walmart.

The trip started out great. Kai is a perfect angel in a shopping cart. He was completely content and never made a peep. I took my time wandering around to accomplish my list, and I didn't get too upset when I couldn't seem to find anything I was looking for. 'There's always Target,' I thought, which was my next destination.

Then the trip took a turn for the worse. After an easy potty break (I love that at Walmart you can fit the cart easily into the handicapped stall.) where I talked to Kai the entire time to distract him from chewing on the cart handle, I wondered why there were urinals along the wall as I walked back out. Then a man washing his hands looked up at me.

It took me a second! At first I wondered why he was in there! "I went in the wrong one! I'm so sorry!" "that's okay" the worker said as friendly as he could. I went "across the hall" then to wash my hands. I hoped I wouldn't see the guy again as I made my way as fast as possible to the front of the store.

Then when all of my items had been rung up, I looked in my purse for my credit card. It wasn't there! I had taken it out that morning to pay for something online. I had no cash, and my checkbook was out of checks! She said they could hold my purchase for 24 hours, when I knew that I would not be going to Target now and would have to come back to the area the next day.

I left the store and thought 'I need to call Ben right away! He's not going to believe this!' ... only to discover my cell phone was left at home too.

The next day I had a bad shopping trip turned good. We went to Target first, this time I had Kaylin with. She loves our girls' shopping trips. We were at Target for 2 hours, most of the time looking at shoes (I needed some too. The ones I've been wearing almost every day for 3 years have holes on the bottom now.) The shoes were on 75% off clearance, and there were a TON... if you wear size 5 or 10! But if you weeded through the massive collection you could maybe find a deal. Kaylin and I did each get one pair for 3.74 each. Before that frustration I looked around the store for about 20 minutes for a replacement for a gift I'd just exchanged at the service desk. When I finally gave up I went back to the service desk to ask for the gift back. After they couldn't find it for 15 minutes and were calling other workers to the desk to help, this was where I got the sweet ending to another bad shopping trip. During our long shoe-shopping adventure, it had been put back out onto the floor on clearance, so I got to buy it back for 75% less than I had returned it for!

No it wasn't really worth it. I think I'll go back to shopping online.

Confidence

Today I'm feeling behind on writing. I'm actually in the middle of writing 2 or 3 other blog entries, ones that take more thought, so they're not getting done!

But today I need to interject and just write about my most recent experience, speaking this morning! This was my 2nd paid speaking engagement, giving the same presentation I did in November. It felt like the stakes were higher since this time the setting would be more corporate, my "salary" was higher, and I would be speaking in front of one person I already knew. (Speaking in front of people I know is a lot scarier for me! Like practicing for my sisters and a friend a few days ago.)

The first surprise was that I found I was actually excited to go down there today. Bloomington, again! I need to expand my network on this side of the metro I guess...

The last time I spoke I was dreading it, "get this over with" I thought. Today I wanted to be there and I wanted to share. And based on my feedback from last time, I knew they would be interested in what I had to say.

The first VICTORY was that I was on time. I was behind getting the kids to the sitter's by 15 minutes but I had allowed an extra 15 minutes! :)

The conference room was a bit itimidating at first, very high tech, and I had the task of operating my Power Point and DVD clips from a touch-screen and remote. I had listeners through a teleconference who had dialed in from a satellite site as well.

From the beginning of my talk I could feel my confidence level was so much higher than I've ever felt previously in front of a group. I really felt that was the key today. I hardly ever stumbled over my words and I barely used my notes. I'd say I did as well as I'd hoped some day I would do.

To discover this new level of confidence today is very exciting for me because I know it will stick. I know it will go with me every time now, and I'm more confident than ever that I was made to do this.

Too Smart Kids

Kaylin is very crabby in the mornings most of the time. I asked her today why she was so sad. She thought about for a minute, and then said in all seriousness, "I slept on the wrong side of the bed again last night."

Kavan takes these developmental assessments I get in the mail every few months and his 3-year-old one just arrived. They want an example of some 4 or 5 word sentences he can say. Rather than trying to impress them with his 10-12 word sentences, this morning he gave me another idea with one of his frequent expressions:
"I want some probiotics, echinacea and silver!"

Here's where he's not so smart. The other day when a friend was watching the kids she asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. "A fireman? A doctor?" she asked...
"I want to be a princess!" he declared with exuberance.

Birthday Cuddles

Baby #2 turned 3 years old today. I guess it's about time his age matched his "skill level." Kav & Kjo had fun tonight at the Bk playland. He didn't know or care that we'd run short on time to fulfill our original plans of going to a larger-scale indoor playground. We came home to cake (I was very proud of myself for getting my act together today and purchasing a cake mix while Kjo was at preschool) and a few presents. Grandma and Grandpa Johnson and Grandma and Grandpa Robinson called right in a row, and just in time before bed.

The best part of the night was just a bit ago when I woke him up for a 10 p.m. potty break. We are putting him to bed for now without his diaper to help with his rashes. He's so cute and cuddly when he's so out of it! Before putting him back to bed, I asked if I could rock him and he readily agreed. I sang a few of the songs I used to sing to him as a baby. He sucked his thumb and held his lambies in tight. I sang happy birthday one more time before tucking him back in. I left feeling very thankful for 3 whole years of cuddles.

Someday

I am trying to find comfort in “someday.”

Someday I will have a clean house.
Someday my office will be organized.
Someday I will have walls painted with vibrant colors instead of pencil and crayons.
Someday I will have décor on those walls.
Someday I will have window treatments.
Someday I will sleep 8 hours in a row every night.
Someday I will have time to do something just for fun.
Someday I will have a minivan.
Someday we will have a family Y membership.
Someday we will be able to go out more.

Someday will come before I know it and the kids will be grown.
Although I do wish “these days” would be easier, I do not wish them to go by any faster.
Because someday I will be wishing for yesterday.