Mystery Solved

I finally figured it out! When I reveal the mystery and then the solution, I realize it's going to sound all too obvious. Like it shouldn't have taken me this long to figure it out. But it did.

In the last few years since having kids I've been trying to figure out why I'm so stressed and overwhelmed all the time. I've talked to other moms buried by their to-do lists and to a certain extent I think it's normal to be a mother of young children and a little short on time. But it's so much more than a house that's always behind on cleaning, dishes on the counter and laundry on the couch for me. I've tried to simplify my life as much as possible and I certainly have lowered my expectations for the state of my house. The only thing that seems could be cut out is work (not really, financially). But I've failed to figure out why I can't work part-time, keep a home in an organized state, raise respectful children and have a happy spouse. Why does it seem other moms can do this, working part-time or even full-time? Okay, so I actually don't know of any women personally who work full-time and don't feel constantly guilty due to feeling like their children or husband get the short end of the stick while they try to balance it all... but certainly there are many part-time moms out there who seem to have it all together! So why can't I work part-time and not feel completely overwhelmed all the time?

The long-awaited answer to this dilemma? I don't have child care. Duh. Other women that work have child care. What I've discovered to be ultimately the most time-consuming strain on me is my business, although at first glance it seems I work so little. But the constant "little things" involved add up to a lot. Communication with current and prospective clients, marketing, record keeping, accounting, arranging details for classes, scheduling appointments...

I try to do all this while at the same time handling my 3 little interruptions. I absolutely hate that I even think of them that way. I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom, and now instead of focusing my days and energy on them, I see them as always in the way. What's the most ridiculous, is that what I could probably accomplish in 10 focused hours of work a week, I instead spread out into a weeklong attempt to squeeze out every spare minute I can get. My children pay the price during what seems like a 50 hour work week! Lately I've wondered if they wouldn't be better off in day care! However, I don't really think that, and I also don't make enough money to pay for even one half day a week of childcare for 3 kids. As a business owner, the most time-consuming responsibilities are the ones you don't get paid for!

So the dilemma remains. For now Ben and I have attempted to come up with a solution, him watching the kids more, but the schedule still doesn't give me enough hours, and I worry about the negative effect on our marriage - less time spent together, and ... he's not always in a happy mood after dealing with all 3 kids even for an hour. I know things will get easier for him when Kai's no longer a nursing baby who wants to be held all the time. There is hope in the future. Hopefully we can hang in there until then.

P.S. How did I have time to write this? Currently I'm paying somebody "babysitting chips" so I can get this much needed 1-hour period of stress relief at Caribou. I really do feel better after I write!